Monday, September 12, 2011
4:00 AM
I can't sleep. Everything Livvy told me, and worrying about Jess has made sure I'm not going to be able to sleep now. Besides, I'm fairly certain I did enough sleeping over the last week or so that I should be good for the next month.
Ed and the boys were back from wherever they spend their days by the time I left Jess and Livvy's. He didn't seem surprised that I was gone, but he was when I asked him what they did all day. I knew about the survival lessons, of course, but surely they must be finished with those now? And what crew is Ed on?
"I'm on the cleaning crew." He told me.
Cleaning crew? What do you do on a cleaning crew when you're 140 kilometres in the deep bush? Sweep out the campsites? Empty outhouses?
"Or dig new ones," he said. "We just do whatever has to be done."
Okay, but it seems like a terrible waste of his talents as an electrician. But again, what need is there for an electrician out here? He's right, things need to get done, and somebody has to do them.
Jason still gets taken to the gun range every day for practice, but he's also on a hunting party. Don't worry, Mom, orange vests for everybody; nobody wants an accident. He's apparently a very good shot now, and quite proud of that fact, he told me.
Daniel goes with a supervised group of younger kids, checking traps and fishing. "I caught the biggest fish out of everybody yesterday, Mom!" And frogs and turtles for the stewpots, too. At that point I made a firm promise to myself to never ask what I'm eating. Ignorance is still bliss.
I told him that I spent the day with Jess while Livvy was out, and that I've been caught up on a few things. I didn't expound on what those were. What Livvy failed to tell me, I'm sure I'll figure out fast.
"Is Jess okay?"
Yes, she'll be fine, Ed. She's just been feeling poorly and Livvy thought she could use the company. A sour stomach, she'll be over it by tomorrow, I'm sure.
"That's good. I know how much she means to you."
When the boys were asleep, we made love, and it was almost as good as before we left town. I really needed to know he didn't hate for mentally abandoning them.
But I still can't sleep. And I think if I leave the lantern on any longer, I'll end up waking everybody up.
8:00 AM
I must have dozed off. Ed just woke me saying they need extra hands at the beach to clean fish. "You're good at it, Anna. And it's time to start putting in some time like everyone else."
I wanted to go and sit with Jess, but Ed assured me he'll check on her later. And he'll have the raiding party pick me up a new notebook or two, since this one is getting full. I am guessing that a "raiding party" is a group that goes into one of the towns for supplies, and in that case, I really need some Tylenol or something.
"For what?"
It's almost that time Ed, I need them for cramps. Okay, then.
Ugh, I hate cleaning fish, but somebody has to do it.
7:00 PM
Oh dear God, what have I done. Jess, my poor Jess.
Friday, September 16, 2011
7:37 AM
Ed wonders why I haven't written anything in the last couple of days. Because I know what the cleaning crew is now.
Olivia is a wreck, Jess is dead.
Ed had her purged.
Jessica Breslin Stanislaw
Born May 14th, 1975
Married Olivia Stanislaw on July 21st, 2005
Murdered, but not laid to rest on September 12th, 2011
You think I've dropped back into a dreamworld, but no, I've been watching you, Ed. You're different. Not a good, I'll take care of you and the boys different, either. I know why you sent me off with the fish group that day. I didn't think you would ever be capable of murder, but I'm starting to see around me, that a lot of people I thought I knew are capable of things that horrify me.
Children get sick all of the time. What will you do if one of our boys gets sick? Will you turn them in? Clean up their bodies after, or will you fight to defend them?
Saturday, September 17, 2011
4:00 AM
There are things I am noticing now, that I was blind to before.
I never considered myself an optimistic person before, but the term "blind optimism" comes to mind.
Even just looking around our immediate area, I can see three alarming things:
The campsites haven't changed, but some of the occupants have. There are eight set-ups in our little clearing. Mine and Olivia's, the Jensens, the Hoskels, Harpers, Hardys and two others that were here when we got here, but I can not remember their names. The Hoskels and the Hardys are both gone; but both of their campers and trucks are still here. There are new people living in them.
Bill Jensen looks like he's been in prison for a dozen years; pale, nervous, and suspicious of anybody coming near their motorhome. His wife looks like I must have at first: nearly catatonic.
I don't know the Harpers well enough to talk to them, and honestly, I see Ed leave with Will Harper every other morning, so I'm not going to be looking for information there.
Most of the men are carrying firearms. Some of the women, too. I know some of them, and the thought of them carrying a rifle makes me nervous for different reasons altogether. Liz Fuller, busted for running a meth lab out of her mobile home - who the hell gave her a gun? And Abby Kensington, whose children were removed by Children's Aid at least four times due to violence in the home, what the hell? Many of the men I recognize are not much better.
ALL of the children are taken out, and away from the occupied camps every day. ALL of them. I see them out with their mothers at the fish station, and I know the older boys get rifle training, and hunting lessons; and the younger, but not too young kids are scavenging and trapping. The really young stay with their parents, but none of them stay in the camps.
Olivia hasn't spoken to anyone in days. Not even to blame me for telling Ed that Jess was sick. Not even to yell at the world like she would at any other time. She just sits on their bed. Sometimes she cries, but only for a few minutes, then she gets quiet again.
Ed told me to check and make sure they didn't have any guns. He thinks she'll kill herself, like so many others.
"Why, Ed. Why are so many other people killing themselves?"
Because this is a hard life, and people can't handle what needs to be done to survive.
If she did, I wouldn't blame her.
1:46 PM
I didn't think she could hear me. I thought she was locked in her head, like I was. I spend about two hours every morning and every afternoon just talking at Olivia. Making sure her water jugs are filled, that she has food, and that the furnace in the camper is ready to go in case it gets cold enough at night.
Every morning I tell her what I saw around our clearing, about the missing people, and things people talk about at the fish station. Or really, the things people don't talk about. I told her about Abby and Liz toting shotguns around, and about Ed going off with Will Harper every second day. I told her about the cleaning crew. I recount every conversation I've had with Ed and how I've started to see him differently.
Twice a day, I beg her to forgive me. I beg Jess to forgive me.
And today she told me to shut the fuck up and listen.
